But I recycle, you say; I recycle paper, glass, aluminum, and plastic. And I drive a fuel economic vehicle, you say. I use reusable cups for my morning coffee and filtered water instead of bottled, you say. Very good, I say, very good indeed.
I do everything I can, you say, what else can I do? Lots of things, I say; lots of things.
Yes, recycling is good for the planet. Keep doing it. Keep purchasing products made from consumer-recycled goods. Paper made from 30, 50, or 100 percent post-consumer waste isn’t the craptastic, easily torn nonsense it used to be. Buy the pens made from recycled plastic bottles. The ink doesn’t taste as good as water, but it writes well. Keep that fuel economic car, and keep consolidating trips to the store to drive fewer miles, less often. That cellar you built for the zombie apocalypse that didn’t happen is a good place to store the bulk.
But wait, there’s more. More? Yes, more. There’s always more, except oil; there isn’t much more (in the grand scheme, at least). What else can you do to curb the global cancer of our dying planet? I will tell you. Be prepared to be amazed. It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s small ways to save the planet.
1. Stop cutting your grass. The emissions so heavily regulated for your car, aren’t for your lawnmower. Every time you fire that baby up, you spew smoke, ozone killing smoke. Buy a goat. Not only will this goat keep your yard impeccably trimmed to the envy of all your neighbors, it will save you trips to the grocery store for milk, and become a treasured family pet. Win-win-win. Oh, and win – poop equals fertilizer and the well-manicured yard will also have the greener grass on your side of the fence.
2. Stop blowing your nose. Kleenex are a paper product. Paper comes from trees. Pick your nose instead.
3. Save our streams and lakes by reducing the amount of water used and soap drained by doing fewer dishes. Quit cooking. Really. I mean, who really likes it anyway; minus chefs and people who actually like to cook, but we can start a 12-step program for them. Microwave meals are where it’s at. The cardboard package is recyclable, and so is the plastic dish. Micro-meal today, pen and paper tomorrow. Circle of life.
4. Quit spraying for bugs. Buy a chicken; they eat bugs. Plus, then your goat would have a friend, and you would have an egg for breakfast every day without going to the store. Less gas, my dears, less gas. But eggs have to be cooked, you say. Not if you put it in a glass of Wild Turkey 101.
5. If it’s brown, flush it down; if it’s yellow, let it mellow. Unless you think you have a chance at living with me, then don’t, because that’s gross.
And one serious one: let’s excavate landfills. We can dig out all the recyclable materials and make room for more trash so we don’t have to dig more landfills.