Divorce is a business. Divorce is a foreign language, a derivative of legalese spoken in the tent city of Recently Released.
If you, or someone you know is going through it, about to go through it, or can’t get out of it, call the law firm of Giveme, Agoddamn, Bottleofwine LLC at one eight-hundred rightfuckingnow and we’ll send you a free copy of A Divorce Dictionary with your purchase of one divorce, $9999 or higher. This helpful resource contains a complete, up-to-date collection of the words and phrases common to Divorce that you will need before you enter the courtroom.
Excerpt from A Divorce Dictionary, Divorcsux Press, 2013
Affidavit: slang for “after David”, what you say when opening a door for David.
Amended Amendment: newspeak for changing your mind after changing your mind, or, how the weasel gets the monkey to chase him.
Amended Petition: piling more manure on top of an already large pile of manure in an effort to hide a dirty rag.
Case Closed: the final bomb after a long and bloody battle that drops and kills every remaining member of both sides.
Case Reopened for Reopen: undefined, no discernible meaning.
Contempt of Court: the act of giving the judge the metaphorical finger; will also result from the act of giving the judge the finger.
Dissolution of Marriage: the scientific word for divorce; derived from the practice of dissolving the salt from the wounds into a glass of dirty water to pour it over their head.
Jurisdiction: contraction of juris and diction, the use of choice words in response to the most recent email, voicemail, or letter from your lawyer.
Mediation: the act of putting opposite ends of magnets in close proximity.
Modification: the process of learning to cook for one, usually acquired with proper operation of the microwave.
Motion for Continuance: permission to stay in bed because it’s not over, won’t be for a while, so pull up the covers, roll over, shut your eyes, and scream at the top of your lungs.
Motion in Limine: the act of stirring a lemon wedge into an alcoholic beverage using the lemon wedge as a stirrer because all the silverware is dirty and you just dipped your finger in a chocolate pudding cup.
Notice of Hearing: the moment at which the hangover subsides and awareness is drawn to the retreat of the pounding in your head, usually follows 12-18 hours post-pity-party.
Petition: the period following separation when both parties beg friends to choose sides, may result in additional divorces among friends (law firm of GAB offers a client referral fee).
Qualified Domestic Relations Order: certification that the proper level of animosity has been reached by both parties.
Respondent: second-place winner in the race to the courthouse.
Special Process Server: who you’ll have to hire to get that carefully steeled knife into the hands of the deserving ex.
* The law firm of Giveme, Agoddamn, Bottleofwine LLC does not exist,
but if I ever go for a law degree, that’s what I want to name my law firm.
**featured image: “Dictionary Through Lens”, by Booksworm (CC BY-SA 3.0)