Breaking News – I Painted My Toenails

Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend…Michelle Obama’s new haircut…Beyonce’s lip-syncing scandal

This just in. This is News. Capital N. Front Page. Editor’s Choice.

Te’o got an interview with Katie Couric for being duped. Michelle’s hair out-staged her husband’s second inauguration. Beyonce recorded herself singing and then sang along with her own voice, like no one has ever done that before; hell, even Yo Yo Ma string-synced his cello performance at the 2009 inaugural ceremony.

There is much more news-worthy news that might actually fall under the category of news. At this rate, The Onion will win a Pulitzer Prize in Journalism and Jon Stewart will get 100% of the vote for the most trusted newscaster (he received 44% in 2009).

In other news:

The Smithsonian is conducting a DNA analysis on the remains of a bird that struck a plane en-route to Denver, Colorado. The Smithsonian. It’s like the Jeffersonian, but real.

It’s cold outside. It’s January, so this is unusual. Residents are shocked they can’t wear flip-flops and tank tops in any city north of the Mason-Dixon line.

A man drove off a pier into the harbor because his GPS told him to. Apparently he didn’t make it very far, as his Subaru failed to turn into an amphibious vehicle. So much for confidence in motion.

Apple is no longer the world’s most valuable. Bananas have taken over, leveraging their status as the perfect food for high potassium and the penis-like shape.

The front-man for Papa John’s is neither a papa nor a john. His kids call him dad and his ladies call him daddy.

A new stomach bug is spreading across the US, but it’s classification as a bug is being questioned by entomologist since it only has two legs.

A Phoenix confectioner has created a life-size cake in the likeness of Lady Gaga. Gaga is upset because the cake weighs twice as much her and contains not an ounce of meat.

J.J. Abrams is set to direct the next installment of Star Wars. It is reported he got lost on his trek to the stars in an attempt to complete an impossible mission to be young forever and wandered into a studio full of suburban pallbearers.

Tune in at 10 for more of nothing.